Chosen Handmaiden

Made to Love

2010-08-25T23:29:00.004-05:00

Sweet Sylvia at Catholic Causerie has said so beautifully and so well all that is on my heart in recent months, and graciously said I could share it. I've been directed to be more interior as I travel His journey for me, and so for the time being, and perhaps indefinitely, this blog will continue to be quiet. May each of us live daily in His Presence!

People seem to focus so much on the future. Our vision is naturally horizontal — looking at the things in front of us (or behind). Some of us fruitlessly dwell on the past, and others (like myself) have the tendency to dwell in our imaginings of the future. What I wish I could do is shift my eyes to a vertical perspective, one that moves along the x-axis of time, but is always fixed on the y-intercept of the present.What I mean is, if we could look upward, focused on God and not on our own fates, our fates won't get messed up by our tainted, twisted selves. We don't live for the future; we live for the infinite God. Our lives shouldn't be directed toward our own pursuits; they should always be in pursuit of Him. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter much what happens to me as long as I am in union with God when it happens.I came across this passage when I was re-reading The Screwtape Letters for my previous post, and I think it explains the "present" concept brilliantly:

The humans live in time, but [God] destines them to eternity. He therefore, I
believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself and to
that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at
which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have
an experience analogous to the experience which [God] has of reality as a whole;
in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them.

Recently, I've been faced with many "coming of age" decisions, and to be honest, I've struggled a lot with entrusting them to God. But He has given me a great confidence because, even when I feel I don't know what to do with my life, I know that my life should belong to Him no matter what I do. I try to embrace that knowledge because it gives me purpose in the present.

So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or
'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagans seek. Your Heavenly Father
knows that you need them all. But seek ye first the kingdom (of God) and his
righteousness, and all these things will be given to you besides.

On a bigger scale, for the last 5 years I have wondered and prayed about my "vocation," whether I should serve God within a family, or consecrate my whole self as my patron St. Cecilia did. I have a deep attraction to both lives, and I have come to realize it is because they both have the same call - to live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up as a sacrifice for us. All lives have this same call, and when we answer it, we are fulfilled in the deepest part of our souls.

Our vocation is LOVE, and we are called to it NOW.

* * *

Amen. Now and forever!

The best plan

2010-05-16T13:42:00.002-05:00

"Our best plan is to place ourselves in the Lord's presence, meditate upon His mercy and grace and upon our lowliness, and leave Him to give us what He wills...He knows best what is good for us."

~Saint Teresa of Avila

(HT: Catholic Fire)

On Spiritual Motherhood

2010-05-09T20:36:00.005-05:00

In honor of Mother's Day, some moving selections from Pope John Paul's Apostolic Letter Mulieris Dignitatem (emphasis original):

Motherhood has been introduced into the order of the Covenant that God made with humanity in Jesus Christ. Each and every time that motherhood is repeated in human history, it is always related to the Covenant which God established with the human race through the motherhood of the Mother of God.

Does not Jesus bear witness to this reality when he answers the exclamation of that woman in the crowd who blessed him for Mary's motherhood: "Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts that you sucked!"? Jesus replies: "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it" (Lk 11:27-28). Jesus confirms the meaning of motherhood in reference to the body, but at the same time he indicates an even deeper meaning, which is connected with the order of the spirit: it is a sign of the Covenant with God who "is spirit" (Jn 4: 24). This is true above all for the motherhood of the Mother of God. The motherhood of every woman, understood in the light of the Gospel, is similarly not only "of flesh and blood": it expresses a profound "listening to the word of the living God" and a readiness to "safeguard" this Word, which is "the word of eternal life" (cf. Jn 6:68).

Virginity according to the Gospel means renouncing marriage and thus physical motherhood. Nevertheless, the renunciation of this kind of motherhood, a renunciation that can involve great sacrifice for a woman, makes possible a different kind of motherhood: motherhood "according to the Spirit" (cf. Rom 8:4)...

Spousal love always involves a special readiness to be poured out for the sake of those who come within one's range of activity. In marriage this readiness, even though open to all, consists mainly in the love that parents give to their children. In virginity this readiness is open to all people, who are embraced by the love of Christ the Spouse...

Spousal love — with its maternal potential hidden in the heart of the woman as a virginal bride — when joined to Christ, the Redeemer of each and every person, is also predisposed to being open to each and every person.

Happy Mother's Day to all physical and spiritual mothers!

World Day of Prayer for Vocations

2010-04-25T15:45:00.003-05:00

Today is both Good Shepherd Sunday (see the Liturgical Readings), as well as the 47th World Day of Prayer for Vocations.

From Pope Benedict's special message for today:

"God's free and gracious initiative encounters and challenges the human responsibility of all those who accept his invitation to become, through their own witness, the instruments of his divine call."

There is also a brand new website launched today by the U.S. Bishops: For Your Vocation. Looks like a helpful initiative!

It was neat (and fitting) that myself and two siblings portrayed saints in first person for a Religious Education "Family Day" this morning. I was St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, patroness of the Catholic Education System in America, and the first American-born Saint to be canonized.

Let us pray for many holy vocations: to matrimony, to priesthood, and to consecrated life, that we may build the Kingdom with all that we are!

I love St. Edith Stein!

2010-04-24T00:50:00.000-05:00

"O my God, fill my soul with holy joy, courage and strength to serve You. Enkindle Your love in me and then walk with me along the next stretch of road before me. I do not see very far ahead, but when I have arrived where the horizon now closes down, a new prospect will open before me, and I shall meet it with peace."

-Saint Teresa Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein)

Tomorrow

2010-04-09T22:18:00.002-05:00

I will be joined by a group of delightful young ladies going with me to the Institute on Religious Life. Say a little prayer for all the religious there (from around the U.S.!) and the discerning youth, will you?

Wow

2010-04-06T18:37:00.003-05:00

I stumbled across this video the other day...the picture quality isn't that great, but the story is worth it!

He is Risen

2010-04-06T18:32:00.003-05:00

At my other blog, I'm having a fun contest (of sorts) using multi-lingual Easter greetings!

On a personal note, please say a little prayer that I can recover soon from an all-out cold that hit me the end of Holy Week...not just a few sniffles. It's been rather physically (and at times emotionally) draining. Thanks. :)

Inspirational

2010-03-31T00:35:00.001-05:00

...from LifeSiteNews.com:

French Religious Community Welcomes Girls with Down Syndrome.

O, Happy Day

2010-03-25T10:11:00.005-05:00

...when a Jewish girl said "Yes" to God, and gave the world our Savior!

Today is the Solemnity of the Annunciation of the Lord. How many times my mind and heart have dwelled on this eternal scene: the pure young maiden visited by the Father's angelic messenger, asking her to become the Mother of the Messiah.

Mary did not understand how His plan would unfold. Yet she surrended completely and wholeheartedly herself — body, mind, heart, and soul — to the will of the Father. With complete faith, she replied, "I am the handmaiden of the Lord: be it done to me according to thy word" (Luke 1:38). And this response forever changed all past, present, and future mankind.

As you can see, the radiant example and response of our Lady are the inspiration for this blog title as I strive to make them the theme of my life. By her "yes", her "fiat", Mary brought life to the whole world in a bigger way than she ever imagined. I know that my "yes" to God, He can and will use me, too, to bring life to the world in a bigger way than I ever imagined.

The profound mystery and beauty of the Annunciation has evoked many reflective words from Saints and Church Fathers:

"In the town of the Annunciation, our thoughts naturally turn to Mary, 'full of grace', the mother of the Holy Family and our Mother. Nazareth reminds us of our need to acknowledge and respect the God-given dignity and proper role of women, as well as their particular charisms and talents. Whether as mothers in families, as a vital presence in the work force and the institutions of society, or in the particular vocation of following our Lord by the evangelical counsels of chastity, poverty and obedience, women have an indispensable role in creating that 'human ecology' (cf. Centesimus Annus, 39) which our world, and this land, so urgently needs..."

-Pope Benedict XVI
Homily at Nazareth in May 2006

"He chose the mother he had created; he created the mother he had chosen."

-St. Augustine

"The 'yes' spoken on the day of the Annunciation reaches full maturity on the day of the Cross, when the time comes for Mary to receive and beget as her children all those who becomes disciples, pouring out upon them the saving love of her Son."

-Pope John Paul II

Evangelium Vitae

And my favorites, from Pope John Paul's Apostolic Letter On the Dignity of Women. He mentions the Annunciation no less than 11 times in this letter!

"Mary means, in a sense, a going beyond the limit spoken of in the Book of Genesis (3: 16) and a return to that 'beginning' in which one finds the 'woman' as she was intended to be in creation, and therefore in the eternal mind of God: in the bosom of the Most Holy Trinity. Mary is 'the new beginning' of the dignity and vocation of women, of each and every woman.

Mary's words at the Annunciation — 'Let it be to me according to your word' — signify the woman's readiness for the gift of self and her readiness to accept a new life.

This 'prophetic' character of women in their femininity finds its highest expression in the Virgin Mother of God. She emphasizes, in the fullest and most direct way, the intimate linking of the order of love — which enters the world of human persons through a Woman — with the Holy Spirit.

We see that through Mary — through her maternal 'fiat', ('Let it be done to me') — God begins a New Covenant with humanity."

For more on this Solemnity, visit the Annunciation page at Catholic Culture.

Another Inspiring Athlete Story!

2010-02-24T23:39:00.004-06:00

...Thanks, Robert, for sending me this one!

From Speed Skater to Sister

2010-02-17T23:48:00.007-06:00

With the Olympics going on this week, I have seen this neat story in several places!

When Holum placed sixth in the 3,000 meters – one of the most grueling disciplines in the women’s program, a lung-scraping four-minute bust of lactic acid torture – speedskating insiders predicted a golden future and speculated she may not even reach her peak for another decade.
But God had bigger plans for Kirstin Holum. From the website of the Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal...

"Love is not loved!" St. Francis of Assisi. Throughout most of my life, I was searching for the one true love. The love to fill a void in my heart that the "world" created in me...

...When I met the CFR's , I saw in them such immense joy that I knew could only come from their love for Jesus. "I want to love Jesus radically like they do", I thought to myself.

Back to the article:
“When I give my religious testimony, it is fun to watch the reaction of the kids when I tell them I was in the Olympics,” she laughed. “Their eyes get really big and they start paying a lot more attention. It is a great thing to share with them and it gives me a lot of pleasure to think back and talk about it.

Yahoo news story here.
Kirstin's testimony on the Sisters' website here.

HT: American Papist and Catholic Fire

Loved

2010-02-14T19:20:00.005-06:00

On this feast day of St. Valentine — the "day for lovers" — my heart is full and cherished. I am in awe of the perfect, igniting love of my Beloved...Christ.

You are enough for me.

My Maker, my Savior, my Sanctifier...

My Lover, my Lord, my Light...

My King, my Sweetness, my Fire...

My everything.

You are enough for me.

Sisters on Oprah — Available Online

2010-02-11T11:02:00.004-06:00

I knew the Dominican Sisters of Mary would do a great job, but I think my expectations were exceeded... Oprah remained amazingly positive, and it's apparent that she's rather in awe! The sisters are genuine, articulate, and totally on their feet in answering some challenging questions. Praise the Lord for this powerful opportunity to give witness to His love!

(This is Part 1 of 4: View the rest by clicking the thumbnails brought up at the end of this segment.)

Sisters on Oprah!

2010-02-08T10:18:00.007-06:00

What a combo: Oprah Winfrey and...the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist. I think the neatest part is this:

The show featuring the sisters will air on Tuesday, February 9, 2010. The same day happens to be the congregation’s 13th anniversary. The coincidence is “amazing, as they did not know this when they chose the date -- but God did!” exclaimed the vocations director.

My other favorite quote:

“We agreed (to be on the show) because it will further understanding of Religious Life,” she added. “The Catholic Church is alive, well, and thriving as is authentic religious life,” she added.

Click here for the full Catholic News Agency report.

There are some behind-the-scenes filming photos on the sisters' website.

The Gift of Peace

2010-02-04T01:01:00.008-06:00

I just have to share briefly my joy and gratitude for the peace — real, inner peace — that our Lord restored to me during the Christmas Season. During Advent, I was blessed to be at a Mass where the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick was offered. Although in years past, this was given only to the dying, it is now available to anyone suffering in body, mind, or spirit.

This was the beginning of such consolation and healing for my heart and soul — graces that continued throughout the Christmas Season. Such a change from the heaviness and weariness of a few months ago...thanks be to God. He restored hope and anticipation of my vocation instead of hesitation and frustration. I am once again excited to see where He will lead!

In the last few months my family started the process for domestic infant adoption, and I can see that this may be one reason among many that the Lord did not reveal the community or the green light yet... Perhaps He is giving me a chance to get to know and bond with my (hopeful) new baby sibling before leaving.

One of my Christmastime graces was meeting a young sister who sat in front of me at Mass on December 26th. I was drawn to, but did not recognize, her gray and blue habit, so I approached her after Mass to meet her. We had a great visit and I learned about the Servants of the Lord and their mission To Evangelize the Culture. Sr. A, whom I met, lives in their D.C. House but her family is from my hometown, and she was home visiting for Christmas (I admit I was intrigued that they are allowed to do that!). She willingly provided answers to my questions about her order, and I left the meeting with excitement and the hope to learn more.

Well, the Holy Spirit gave me the opportunity when I went to the March for Life on January 22 and stayed in the area a few days extra. I kept bumping into sisters from this same order! I was able to go to their Juniorate convent for a brief but wonderful visit. All I learned about their order, charism, and apostolate is very attractive, and the visit left me with an entirely different sense than my retreats with the Dominicans. I was able to kneel before the tabernacle in their small chapel and confidently, joyfully offer my heart, saying simply, "I trust You...lead me!".

I hope to get to know the "Servidoras" (as they are known in Spanish) better, and we'll see where the Lord leads with this one! Onward for the adventure...abiding in His merciful heart. +

Yesterday: Presentation of the Lord and "World Day for Consecrated Life"

2010-02-04T00:52:00.002-06:00

I learned last night that it was the 14th World Day for Consecrated Life. How fitting and beautiful to celebrate this on the Feast of the Presentation of the Lord!

Today I'm reading Pope Benedict's homily given yesterday on this theme. Here is my favorite paragraph...

Consecrated persons are called in a particular way to be witnesses of this mercy of the Lord, in which man finds his salvation. They have the vivid experience of God's forgiveness, because they have the awareness of being saved persons, of being great when they recognize themselves to be small, of feeling renewed and enveloped by the holiness of God when they recognize their own sin. Because of this, also for the man of today, consecrated life remains a privileged school of "compunction of heart," of the humble recognition of one's misery but, likewise, it remains a school of trust in the mercy of God, in his love that never abandons. In reality, the closer we come to God, and the closer one is to him, the more useful one is to others. Consecrated persons experience the grace, mercy and forgiveness of God not only for themselves, but also for their brothers, being called to carry in their heart and prayer the anxieties and expectations of men, especially of those who are far from God.

There is an inspiring related post on the Faith and Family blog, too.

Nail on the Head

2009-12-30T21:08:00.002-06:00

This is beautiful and wise advice from the blog of the Sisters of St. Francis of the Martyr St. George: Advice from a Postulant. It echoes much of what I've experienced in my discernment, especially that part about allowing Jesus to talk to you on HIS time!

My Story

2009-12-08T22:51:00.014-06:00

I wanted to take the time on this Feast of the Immaculate Conception of our Lady to share a “chapter” of my vocation story. This date has a special significance in it, as you will see…

I was blessed to growing up in a family striving to live the Faith fully and radically. Two huge graces of my formation were being homeschooled all of my life and my family’s commitment to attend daily Mass from the time I made my First Holy Communion at age 6.

Throughout my childhood, I used to say that I thought I was called to a religious vocation. Then, around age 12 or 13, I began discerning the married vocation. At first, I remember being a bit in denial, almost frustrated to be thinking about marriage (“I always thought I was supposed to be a sister!”). I then realized that the married vocation is a beautiful one, also, and that it was fine to discern that path. The desire for marriage grew very strong in my heart, particularly as I saw so much lust and brokenness within today's marriages. I truly desired marriage as the sacrament it is intended to be. I longed for children to raise up as warriors to confront the culture of death. I dreamt of having what I call a “real” wedding, with lots of children and families present, beautiful modest formals, and purity as the crown.

From about age 13 to age 20, I thought this was my calling. But my greatest prayer regarding my vocation was to trust God. I worked hard to remain open to whatever path He might show me.

When I graduated from homeschool high school in Spring of 2006, I did not feel the Lord leading me to leave home immediately, or to enroll full time in college. I had been involved in catechesis and parish Religious Education since I was 15, and had quickly discovered that I love teaching. I am also an avid musician (singer, violinist, and pianist) and, having studied Suzuki violin since age 10, teaching private music lessons when I was about 15. I enjoyed this very much as well, and went on to complete training and registration as a violin teacher with the Suzuki Association of America.

After graduating from high school, I took a few classes at the local community college, and was able to apply myself more fully to my teaching (both music and volunteering as a catechist a few different parishes). Then the opportunity opened for me to become the Religious Education Coordinator at St. Joseph Parish (where I had taught for two years). I began this role in Fall of 2007 to the present.

Another apostolate I have tried to keep up on the side is the Rosa Mystica Modesty Movement, which I founded in 2004.

The Lord has stretched and taught me in so many ways the past few years. Last summer, I sensed He was preparing me for something new…but I wasn’t sure what that would be. On July 31 while in Eucharistic Adoration, I wrote in my journal:

I feel as though I am being led by You right now completely blindfolded – on
a zigzagging path. I am trying with all my being to grip unflinchingly to Your
hand, for I neither know nor can see the direction You are taking me. The world
tells us to forge ahead on our own, but that is impossible for me. With all the
effort of this frail heart I am trying to trust, listen, and follow. The way
stretches out fearfully unknown – but if I never let go of Your hand, I hope,
trust, and believe that I won’t lose myself.

My younger sister, whom I am very close with, was applying to Christendom College in Virginia, and I thought that perhaps I was called there too. Last November on Christ the King weekend (Nov 22-23, 2008), I visited Christendom and fell in love with the wonderful Catholic atmosphere and well-rounded, devout students. The visit left me with a great spirit of hope and excitement.

The following weekend (Nov 29-30), I gave up being at the family Thanksgiving gathering in order to attend the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises led by the priests of Miles Christi. I’d known since the summer that I was supposed to attend. Going on the retreat, I thought I was discerning between two immediate paths: to remain home and continue my work in religious education (and other apostolates), or sever those ties and attend Christendom to receive the excellent formation offered there.

The retreat master, however, offered another viewpoint during my spiritual direction. When he asked me about religious life, and I responded that I was open to, but not pursuing that direction, he encouraged me to “more actively” discern that path. “I'm not telling you what to do”, he said, “but just telling you what I sense”. I listened to his advice, but had been asked about religious life enough times over the years that it was not a bulldozer for me as I know the question can be for some. I did shed a few tears coming out of the confessional, feeling like I might need to give up some of my dreams.

I went home rather confused…the counsel I’d received was not part of what I thought I was praying about when I went on that retreat!

Throughout the next week, quite a few “little” things kept cropping up related to the topic of consecrated life. Then, on Saturday, December 6, we received a phone call about our Bishop Roger Kaffer (who is now deceased). He was living in a retirement/care home due to his failing health, and because of a setback needed someone to be with him throughout the day. Our family took turns for a few-hour shift. When I went over mid-afternoon, there was another older gentleman there with the Bishop. We met each other with brief introductions, and I mentioned my role as a CRE (Coordinator of Religious Education). Tim had brought Bishop Kaffer Italian gelato, which was one of his very favorite treats. The three of us then prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. In the informal conversation that followed, Tim asked me if I’d every thought about religious life. I gave my usual answer: I was open to it, but was not currently pursuing that direction. He looked at my quite seriously and said, “Because you are going to be a sister. I sense it.” For some reason, the bishop – who I am fairly certain had not heard this little exchange – decided right then to start talking about our Diocesan Vocations Director, Fr. Burke Masters. He launched right into Fr. Burke’s vocation story, in which a pivotal point was someone he did not know coming up to ask him to become a priest.

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of all this, especially when, as we parted ways shortly after, Tim looked me in the eye and said, “You are going to make a very good sister.” Now, I know that some devout folks like to joke around with all young Catholic singles about becoming priests or sisters, but this gentleman’s comments were not at all made in a jesting way.

After leaving the bishop’s room, I went to Mass in the chapel, where my recent encounter stayed on my heart. And (should I say “of course”?) one of the petitions was something about a generous response of young people to the call to religious life.

I went home and told my family, still not sure what to make of it. I didn’t want to discount it, but at the same time, one shouldn’t treat everything as an infallible sign.

My orchestra played a concert that night, and I remember being struck that while I was performing, my mind was not really on the music, but thinking and praying about my vocation.

A seminarian friend was also visiting, and, among other things, brought up “missed vocations”, the Proverbs 31 woman, and the parable of the talents in the discussion that night. That kind of grabbed me…everything just kept being on the same theme!

Over the next day (Sunday, December 7), the related promptings increased till they seemed like they were coming from all directions. I recall opening the Magnificat publication to a reading on consecrated life. Things kept pointing – I was noticing, but not responding a whole lot… until that evening. I was up late and randomly opened up the book The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila. I’d never read it, though I wanted to. In the place I opened to, St. Teresa went on for whole chapter about spousal union with Christ, and not resisting His betrothal. That was when I broke down…and I said through my tears, “Okay, Lord, I think I get the message.” I came out and looked at the clock: 12:01 on the feast of the Immaculate Conception. I’d been told over and over again to entrust my vocation to our Lady, and here was this moment of revelation on the dawn of her feast. I ran for my rosary and gripped it while crying and praying for half an hour, spending time revisiting the website of the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist. They were the community I knew the most about, and I’d always admired their charism.

I went to bed with a lot of peace and joy. The promptings continued on throughout the Feast day. I opened a piece of mail from the Mater Ecclasiae Fund for Vocations and my eye fell on a quote from…you guessed it: St. Teresa of Avila. (I felt like she was following me around!) I got in the van to drive over to the university for choir practice and turned on the CD player, hoping for some soft music. But what came on was actually a talk CD on “Nurturing Religious Vocations”. I was in awe.

I had to share with someone. Standing in the university hallway waiting our voice lesson, I told my dear sister Sarah everything from the last few days. I remember saying, “I just had to tell someone. It’s like if a girl gets engaged and she has to tell someone…I feel like the Lord proposed to me.” We just cried and hugged in the hallway until our voice teacher came out asking if we were ever going to come in for our lesson.

The Gospel that night for the Marian solemnity could not have been more fitting: “I am the handmaiden of the Lord; be it done to me according to Thy word”.

The next few weeks were joyful and filled with warmth. It was like “being in love” is classically described – everything is surrounded by a rosy glow, and the heart is secure. As they say, the whole world could come crashing down around you and it wouldn’t matter, because you and your beloved are united. What a beautiful time and a treasured grace.

I thought I was called to the Dominican Sisters of Mary, and signed up for their next retreat weekend in February. (I’d been to one three years earlier, but was at a very different place of discernment then.) In early January, I shared with my parents about my discernment. I’d told both my sisters after December 8, but hadn’t wanted to give details to Mom and Dad right away, because I knew they would be so excited that all our friends would quickly know. And that’s exactly what happened. :) I didn’t mind, though, because a lot of wonderful people began praying for me.

Summarizing the months from February 2008 to now is difficult to do. There have been a lot of very hard moments. On my retreat with the Sisters of Mary, I received many affirmations of the call to be His bride, but not necessarily in that community (wonderful as it is). Since I love teaching, Dominicans were still very attractive, so I spent a few days with the Nashville Dominicans in April. And that was when the Lord got very quiet. I’d explained the definition of love to children lots of times as “a decision, not a feeling”, and it was like the Lord said, “Okay, live that”. I sat in the chapel for hours, praying, writing, and trying to listen. He seemed to say “Not here, not yet”… and that was all. Part of me wanted to just say, “Fine, I’ll come here this fall,” and have the question over with, but that thought did not bring peace. I had to learn to be content to wait on His timing, to be willing to just be with Him even when the feelings are dry.

He has extended this lesson quite a few times the past eight months. It has been the hardest spiritual time I have ever experienced. The moments of sweetness and security I’d enjoyed in Dec ’08 and Jan ’09 were replaced with a lot more temptations and interior struggles. I still believe He calls me to be His bride, but not knowing when, where, or how makes me much more vulnerable and inclined to doubt. I simply must believe and know that He is working in me through every step of this journey. Even when He seems far, He is fashioning this soul. Hope has to be a daily, sometimes hourly act of the will.

If you are still with me after this epic, thank you for reading. In honor of a year since my "engagement", I renew my intention to trust my Beloved. Please pray for me to stay strong and faithful, so that in His own perfect time and marvelous way, the Divine Lover may script the rest of my story.

A little daughter,
Claire

Recent and Relevant

2009-10-26T23:18:00.002-05:00

I just posted a reflection on my other blog about my experiences of the past few days. The lesson of "not me in control" is highly relevant to discernment of one's vocation!

As I heard a speaker say recently: "The Christian life is like riding a tandem with God. He's in front. We just pedal."

The Little Flower

2009-10-01T23:40:00.004-05:00

Happy Feast of the Little Flower! May this dearly beloved saint of the "little way" show each of us how to love with a truer, simpler heart.

"Our Lord does not come down from Heaven every day to lie in a golden ciborium. He comes to find another heaven which is infinitely dearer to him — the heaven of our souls, created in His Image, the living temples of the Adorable Trinity."

—Saint Therese of Lisieux

The Rose

2009-09-25T21:30:00.003-05:00

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God’s design,
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I,
The flower God opens so sweetly,
In my hands would fade and die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God’s design,
Then how can I have wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?

So I’ll trust Him for His leading
Each moment of every day
And I’ll look to Him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way.

For the pathway that lies before me
My heavenly Father knows
I’ll trust Him to unfold the moments
Just as He unfolds the rose.

~Unknown

(HT: Maidens of Worth)

~~~

What a stirring and soothing reminder! In the life of Faith some unknowns will always be ahead. With trust, let us allow the strong yet gentle hand of the Master unfold and open the petals of our lives. In His time, I can become a fragrant bloom.

Beautiful Words

2009-09-18T14:15:00.003-05:00

We just received a phone call from Dennis, a consecrated single member of the AFC (an apostolate which our family has befriended for some years). It's been quite a long time since we've had contact with him, and since my parents are out of town right now, I updated him on the family. I want to remember his energetic response at my mention of discernement:

"Every child in the world becomes your child...nothing beats the joy of consecrated life!"

Thanks, Dennis, for your joyful witness!

Arms of God

2009-09-16T22:36:00.002-05:00

"Cast yourself into the arms of God
and be very sure that if he wants anything of you,
he will fit you for the work
and give you strength."

(St. Phillip Neri )

Encouraging Encounter

2009-09-03T22:50:00.004-05:00

Today I went to 11am Mass at the nearby hospital. Afterward as I saw in the pew, a lady whom we've been aquainted with for some time (although I confess I don't remember her name!) came over to me all bubbly, saying in an excited whisper, "I heard someone say you are thinking of becoming a nun. Is that true?" When I answered in the affirmative, she was all encouragement. "When I heard that, I thought, 'Isn't that just fabulous? She is just so perfect for that!' You are one of the really special people I know, the kind of person that leaves you feeling good when you've seen them."

Needless to say, I was both touched and lifted by the encounter. And it's not the first of its kind...so many have had similar reactions to my discernment. I realize that I am blessed to be the recipient of such affirmation. I know that plenty of young people respond to their consecrated vocation with little support from family and friends. My case is the quite the opposite... there are so many dear souls both supporting and praying for me on this journey. (Just tonight at a wake, a homeschool mother told me her 10-year-old daughter prays for me "by name" all the time!) The support also brings with it a few challenges of its own — there have been times I've faced a bit of worry about not living up to all the expectations. But I realize that fundamentally, the widespread support is a truly great blessing. It's a little like the "community" aspect of a courtship, only a slightly different kind of courtship.

Thank you, Father, for the Mystical Body of Christ.

Butterfly

2009-09-03T22:48:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for your prayers! I am doing better. I'd like to share a quote that was timely and encouraging...

Just as the butterfly must wait upon its maker to be transformed, so must we. God is His infinite wisdom has a sovereign and individual plan for the transformation of our hearts and minds. Psalm 27:14 says "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" Being transformed is a process, so do not loose heart. "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus."

~from a past issue of the Girlhood Home Companion (Volume 1, Issue 12)

Lord,

2009-09-01T11:11:00.005-05:00

I am trying my hardest. Really, I am. But I am weak and tired, and I never knew how thankless serving You could seem to be. I can totally echo Teresa of Avila today..."If this is how You treat Your friends, Lord, no wonder You have so few". I re-consecrate to You the broken, struggling vessel that is me. I trust that there will be an end to the tunnel, a calm in the midst of pain. I trust that You are pruning me for future greatness (You better be!). I trust that though I can't see the why in it all, You can...

~~~

To my readers (if anyone is left reading this neglected blog by now): I'm having an extraordinarily rough day, so could I please petition for your prayers for this tired soul? The main struggle right now has to do with the obstacles I'm facing as a parish catechetical leader. A boost of grace would be a big help. Thank you so much.

~~~

Vocationally, the journey is still in progress. I tell you, He sure does like to max out this trust thing. As in, lead us blindfolded for extended periods of time! But with Him in the driver's seat, I just trust and listen. After all, that is what a handmaiden does. He directs in His time...not mine. In an interesting way, I heard just the other day about a community that I hope to learn more about. I shall try to share more when time allows...

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

~Ecclesiastes 3:11

Funny yet Profound

2009-05-26T10:32:00.001-05:00

On Options

2009-05-25T09:20:00.000-05:00

I wrote on my other blog about "Daddy-Daughter Date" I had yesterday. After Evening Vespers at the Poor Clares, we ran into a priest whom I haven't seen in a while, but who knew me by name and face (he actually led a retreat I attended about 5 years ago). He's, like, the only priest in our diocese that wears the cassock full-time, which is so neat. But I digress. :)

We chatted briefly, and I requested prayers for my discernment. His brief advice was along the following (I'm paraphrasing best I can remember): "The thing about the young people of today is that they want to keep all of their options open. And then nothing gets done. They're afraid to leave some options behind, but this is necessary for them to carry out the one(s) they are meant to do."

A valuable nugget of advice...

Music and Meaning, Part II

2009-05-03T18:03:00.002-05:00

Part I here.

One of the songs on my playlist is "While I'm Waiting", which I heard for the first time in Fireproof. The arrangement is a bit more on the upbeat than the music I generally listen to, but the lyrics and melody have resonated with me greatly. This song has been a great consolation to me in recent months. In many ways, it has become the cry of my heart. I'll let the lyrics speak for themselves...

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

...After all, isn't this is what being a "handmaiden" is all about?

His Mercy

2009-04-25T20:20:00.003-05:00

This past Sunday (the Feast of Divine Mercy), after a week filled with many graces, but also with many difficult moments, it was powerful to pray the prayer after the Chaplet of Divine Mercy...

Eternal God, in Whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion, inexhausible,
look kindly upon us, and increase Your mercy in us
that in difficult moments, we might not despair,
nor become despondant,
but with great confidance,
submit ourselves entirely to Your holy will,
which is love and mercy itself. Amen.

It amazes me sometimes how I can pray some prayer plenty of times, maybe even for year, and then it will hit me in a whole new way at a time when it becomes really personally relevant. That prayer, especially the last five lines above, was like a balm to my soul on Sunday. It was exactly what I need to pray and hear at that moment!

"But I will call this to mind,

as my reason to have hope:
The favors of the LORD are not exhausted,

his mercies are not spent;
They are renewed each morning,

so great is his faithfulness.
My portion is the LORD, says my soul;

therefore will I hope in him.
Good is the LORD to one who waits for him,

to the soul that seeks him;
It is good to hope in silence

for the saving help of the LORD."

~Lamentations 3:21-26

(I didn't realize until recently that such a hope-filled passage was in Lamentations... thanks to Sr. M. Franchesca!)

Home

2009-04-17T23:34:00.000-05:00

I got home a little while ago...my visit was both very beautiful and very hard. The Lord seems to be rather silent right now, not granting any convictions yet...which has demanded a continual re-entrusting to the work that I know He is doing in and for me, although I can't see or feel it. I definitely can't see the whole picture right now, but have to trust that He can.

I do wish that everyone with any discouragement about the future of the Church could see and know Sisters like those in Nashville. There is most definitely hope for the Church!

I rose at 5:00am with everyone else there, which was very good for me. If I can implement some similar disciplines presently in home life, I know I'll be much benefitted. :)

Prayer Request

2009-04-14T08:21:00.002-05:00

He is Risen: Alleluia!

I ask for your prayers in a special way this week... I fly out this morning to spend a few days (today through Friday) with the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia in Nashville, TN! Please pray that the Holy Spirit truly guide my path.

In Easter Joy,
Claire

Quote of the Day

2009-03-31T23:02:00.000-05:00

"To know whether God will have a person become a religious it is not to be expected that God Himself should speak, or send an angel from heaven to signify His will. It is not necessary that ten or twelve confessors should examine whether the vocation is to be followed. But it is necessary to correspond with the first movement of the inspiration, and to cultivate it, and then not to grow weary if disgust or coldness should come on. If a person acts thus, God will not fail to make all succeed to His glory. Nor ought we to care much from what quarter the first movement comes. The Lord has many ways of calling His servants."

—St. Francis De Sales

Quote of the Day and New Website!

2009-03-30T22:07:00.005-05:00

"It was not you who chose me,

but I who chose you

and appointed you to go

and bear fruit that will remain."

(John 15:16)

Oh, that quote is SO meaningful to me, especially right now! The consecrated life was/is not of my own choosing. I have long desired so deeply for the fruit of motherhood. But His words, "I have chosen you to bear fruit that will remain"... could very well be referring to the fruit of spiritual motherhood.

Today I discovered that the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia have a most beautiful newly-redone website. I will be visiting them in a few weeks and it is exciting to explore everything on the new site. Be sure to visit it!

www.nashvilledominican.org

Open Wide the Doors...

2009-03-26T23:19:00.000-05:00

"Do not be afraid of Christ! He takes nothing away and He gives you everything. When we give ourselves to Him, we receive a hundred-fold in return. Yes, open, open wide the doors to Christ — and you will find true life."

-Pope Benedict XVI

Music and Meaning I

2009-03-26T00:55:00.012-05:00

The playlist at right features about 20 selections that are very meaningful to my discernment. You may notice that there is a bit of a mix...a number of scriptural pieces and John Michael Talbot mixed with a few more contemporary hymns, and even a couple of significant ones from Classical/Pop singers.

I'd like to share about many of these beautiful songs, starting with Love Is Not A Fight and While I'm Waiting. (While I'm Waiting will be the theme of a later post.)

These two songs have grown on me since I first heard them in the magnificent film Fireproof. They are a little more on the "upbeat" side compared to most music I take to, but the lyrics fit so wonderfully into the movie that I fell in love with both. I have since found them to be very relevant to vocational discernment, too.

Love Is Not A Fight

(Warren Barfield)

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave

This stanza actually brings the cloistered life to mind (even though I don't believe I am called to the contemplative/cloistered vocation). In a larger perspective, however, is the call to interiorly "dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple." (Psalm 27:4)

Lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in the raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave,
may God send His angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight,
but it's something worth fighting for
Love is a person, and yes, He is a shelter in the raging storm, and peace in the middle of a war! The paradox of "love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for" really speaks to me.

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Lord has very tangibly been showing me of late what it means to love as a decision, not based on feelings...of which mine can be very unreliable!

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing of us
But demand we give our all

Oh, how very true those last lines are! He does demand our all, whether it is through the consecrated life or not.

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for...

There are plenty of times of interior struggle to let go and accept the love He offers. And there have been temptations to distract me. My God fights for me...so I remind myself that He is worth fighting for. Even if sometimes, that fighting is against my own weak flesh!

Solemnity of the Annunciation

2009-03-25T22:50:00.004-05:00

"Ecce ancílla Dómini.

Fiat mihi secúndum verbum tuum."

Behold, the handmaiden of the Lord.

Be it done to me according to thy word.

-Luke 1:38

Visit Women for Faith and Family for a beautiful history of the prayer "The Angelus"! This feast of the Annunciation is a special one for me. If you haven't made note of the blog header, now would be a good time to do so. :)

An Unfolding Love Story

2009-03-12T01:00:00.003-05:00

I've prayed since childhood to know and follow the unique calling Christ has for me. I have long dreamt of and longed to be a bride, to be a mother, and in recent months He asked me to be more open to total consecration as His bride, and the spiritual mother of many.

Discerning and discovering this call is presently a journey in progress. Many wonderful friends and family have offerend an outpouring of loving support and enthusiasm. I've also wished that I could freeze the most meaningful moments in a time capsule to revisit whenever I need to!

This blog may not be as intimate or personal as a heart-to-heart over a cup of tea, but I hope it may be a place where I can reflect at His workings and chronicle this unfolding love story — both for myself, and for anyone who wishes for a glimpse at the journey. May the manifestations of His love to me be for you just as deep a blessing.

In His Heart,
Claire H.

...A Chosen Handmaiden